romance novels

I really should stop reading romance novels. I feel that my brain has turned to mush because of them. Romance  novels doesn't really make me think, they don't challenge me or my imagination, or arouse my self-motivation. They do have entertainment value. But they don't do me any good at all. I am trying to figure out how to stop this addiction. What I can think right now is that I have to do it cold-turkey. I think there is no other way. Let me germinate this idea first.

escapist

I am never bored. I have learned when I was in 4th grade that I can escape to my mind and just make stories in my head, to use my imagination as a means to live an adventurous life. Then I started reading more and that became my access to more imagination and to my escape to another world, another life.
When I entered high school I started reading romance novels. These series of books were called Sweet Dreams. I used to devour them so fast, so hungrily. Then I graduated to Mills and Boon books, to Barbara Cartland books. Then by college I started reading more intensely sexualized romance novels. All through my adult single life besides my spiritual books and fantasy/sci-fi books, my romance novels were there to help me escape to happily-ever-after endings. ***Romance novels were like a drug to me. And they still are. At one point in my adult life I have even avoided them because of their sexually explicit nature and they made me think of impure thoughts. And I was successful too, but somehow I started reading them again after I gave birth to Nicholas. Especially that my husband gave me NookColor it is very easy to purchase a book. The shameful part in this is that I have started reading erotica.***I thought that I read these because I don't have romance in my life anymore. That reality has settled in and now I have to escape to a place where there is always a happy ending. In truth I don't feel slighted that there is no romance in my married life at this time. It is hard to be romantic when we have 2 toddlers and a baby. Although we do try our best to have movie dates and such. But I do admit that the reality of life as a wife and a mother has settled in. My previous carefree single self-centered self is trying to cope with the responsibilities of self-less love. With things left undone, the feeling of inadequacy as a wife and a mother, the clashes of personalities, the crushed expectations about myself as a wife and mother, about married love vs romantic love prior to marriage and children, has made me inwardly seek escape.***But I feel the need to stop again. I feel I am not living fully. I feel that my brain is too fuzzy with unreal situations and endings. I need to have presence of mind. I need to live for today. I need to live without the guarantee of a happy ending. I need to be free from these books to live with clear mind and pure heart.

State of Lethargy

Ever since my third son was born there has been more episodes of my being lethargic, I call it a "state of lethargy". It is natural that I should be physically tired taking care of 2 toddlers and a baby, be a wife to my husband and still have a full-time job. But I have been tired before but my work didn't suffer this much before either. I have called-in sick more than I ever had with my first 2 kids. Compounded with the physical tiredness, I also experience a mental malaise that calling-in sick has become commonplace and less guilt-ridden.***Even as I take care of my kids, when I am at the peak of this "state" I just put them in the living room, make sure they are all safe, feed them, clean them, and put Thomas DVDs all day. I don't feel motivated to play with them or read to them or teach them. And what do I do? I escape with my NookColor and read, or go to the web, or sleep. Although I may sound distracted, I am still vigilant and watchful. That's why I am not really relaxing at all because one cannot be truly relaxed when you have toddlers and babies.***I'm trying to figure out what to take or what to do to get myself out of this pit. I need to do something because I cannot afford to miss work anymore. I have been thinking about taking that energy drink 5Hour, but I don't know if its effective at all. So I really don't know what to do at this point.

Being married to Chris #3

So last night we had our discouragingly common tiffs again. We were finishing dinner, and Chris opened a letter from a foreclosure agency and commented that he should send this to our realtor Alex. I asked him if he has noticed advertisements about companies that buy houses, because I noticed a van with an ad on its sides about a company that buys houses whatever the condition. And then BAM he snappily said that we already have a realtor, so I told him  it was just a question, then he continued that he can only do one thing at a time. Which irked me because all I had was  a question and he just had to be so snippy and patronizing  about it. Simultaneously I realized and answered him that he was reading something out of a simple question. He didn't answer back. But I was too ticked already so I was morose again and brooding again. I can only take a few minutes in his presence so I left the living room with Nathaniel and stayed in our bedroom for the remainder of the evening until everyone was in bed.***In truth I don't know how long I can take this kind of behavior from him. Its so irksome and I always feel miserable. I am not the type to tolerate misery for long. So I sent him an email about how I'm feeling and sent it to our gmail and his cox email. I reminded him to tell me or email me his response to my missive. My hope is that he will find the motivation to change.***On my part this weekend I asked him if my zoning out really bothers him. He said that it does, and he feels that I am not listening to him or paying him any attention, and he added that he doesn't like when I get stressed out and tells him what to do because then it sounds abrupt and demanding. Hearing him felt like a jagged pill I have to swallow. I had to  pound on my pride to submission or then I will feel angry and betrayed by his honesty. So I accepted my shortcomings and clarified from him what he wanted me to sound and act and talk to him. I had to pray to Mary that my pride will not seek retaliation.  Since then I have been trying to keep what he wants in mind. Responding to his conversation, participating in a conversation, and when I ask him to do something to be always courteous and grateful (like Shirley, I'm sure!)

Continuation on my birthday weekend celebration

When we arrived at UCI, Chris went in first, as I waited for my parents to arrive so we can exchange cars and they can bring the boys to Artesia. While I waited I texted Lenjay about what's going on and for her prayers. Then I texted My mother-in-law and sisters-in-law. I know that Chris doesn't want to worry them but I needed all prayers that I can get. ***Finally my parents arrived. By then although it was really just 30 mins since Chris went in, it felt like hours, Nicholas and Noah were awake. My parents were really worried. My dad's question to me was how I think Chris looked. I told him that for me doesn't look like M.I. but just be muscle strain. He believed me. *** I finally got to sit at Chris' side. He looked like he was about to tear when I told him how worried my parents were and how they finally are driving to Artesia with the boys. During the time we were there, Chris' vital signs had been normal, as well as his 12 lead EKG, his lab work and his chest X-ray. Two doctors came and talked with us, and they diagnosed him with Pleurisy. They are not 100% sure what it really is, they are less leaning on M.I. and more on Pleurisy with the signs and symptoms and the clinical results. Around 0630 we left after Chris took some Advil and we went back to the hotel first and got some shot-eye. At around noon we went to Artesia and collected our boys.*** This time we went and explored Disney CA Adventures. I like it there a lot, maybe because I see more for adults fun too. I had to keep Chris from carrying one of our boys. Early evening we met my parents again and my Tita Cecil and Tita Lolit and ate at BJ's restaurant and brewhouse for my bday dinner. All in all it was a good day. The not good side was Chris' Pleurisy, we didn't get to go to mass, and we lost the camcorder that Chris gave me for my bday. Suckidoodle!

My weekend birthday celebration

From Aug 4th-6th we stayed at Disney Grand Californian Resort and Spa and from 6th to 8th we stayed at the Hyatt Regency Long Beach. Overall it was good. It could have been worse. We arrived at Disney in the afternoon and got checked in without a hitch. Except for not a good view from our room the room was still good. Good decor, well kept and modern. We went to Disney downtown first for early dinner and then went to Disneyland park. We were able to watch the water/laser show in Frontierland, even when Noah was fussing and Chris had to carry him the whole time. We would have stayed to see the fireworks but it was getting really late and the boys except Nathaniel were fussy. So we left and slept.***At around 2am Chris woke me up for a chest pressure pain that wouldn't go away. He said that it would get worse when he breathes in deeper. For me he looked in pain but was standing around and walking around and talking without shortness of breath. And he didn't look like he was panicky. Because of the kids I told him if we could call a hotel staff to escort him downstairs and then have them call 911. I was thinking the kids were fast asleep and since they slept really late I don't want to disturb them, or it will be like opening a new can of worms.***But Chris wanted all of us to go the hospital. So without further adieu we packed the kids and went downstairs to the front desk to retrieve our car and get directions to UCI Medical Center. As I was waiting for the receptionist to get a print-out of the directions, I called my mom. She was already nervous when she answered the phone. I broke down a bit when I told her what was happening. So that got her even nervous. But I knew she will start praying and that is what we need. Its amazing how when I am too nervous or even fearful, the prayer that comes to mind very easily is Hail Mary. So that was what I prayed. Chris was still in pain as I drove us to the hospital. And he was anxious and sad that he thought he was ruining my birthday. But at that moment I was more afraid that if things will be worse than I hoped this birthday will be the worse ever.***

Being married to Chris #2

So yesterday, while I was putting things and my boys together to go to Artesia and hopefully being on time for my Nathaniel's doctor appt, I was looking for my hair brush, and thinking that Chris might unconsciously took it and placed it in his backpack since I have been looking all over and I couldn't find it so I was thinking it might be there. I found his backpack in the garage and started looking for my brush. I didn't find my brush but I found the lube that I found in Chris messenger bag several weeks ago on which I already confronted him with it. After a few days of that confrontation I checked his bag again and I didn't find it, I presumed that he threw it away. Well, now I know he didn't. I cried when I saw it. I plan to talk to him about it. But not on my birthday weekend...after. And I want to settle this once in for all.