romance novels

I really should stop reading romance novels. I feel that my brain has turned to mush because of them. Romance  novels doesn't really make me think, they don't challenge me or my imagination, or arouse my self-motivation. They do have entertainment value. But they don't do me any good at all. I am trying to figure out how to stop this addiction. What I can think right now is that I have to do it cold-turkey. I think there is no other way. Let me germinate this idea first.

escapist

I am never bored. I have learned when I was in 4th grade that I can escape to my mind and just make stories in my head, to use my imagination as a means to live an adventurous life. Then I started reading more and that became my access to more imagination and to my escape to another world, another life.
When I entered high school I started reading romance novels. These series of books were called Sweet Dreams. I used to devour them so fast, so hungrily. Then I graduated to Mills and Boon books, to Barbara Cartland books. Then by college I started reading more intensely sexualized romance novels. All through my adult single life besides my spiritual books and fantasy/sci-fi books, my romance novels were there to help me escape to happily-ever-after endings. ***Romance novels were like a drug to me. And they still are. At one point in my adult life I have even avoided them because of their sexually explicit nature and they made me think of impure thoughts. And I was successful too, but somehow I started reading them again after I gave birth to Nicholas. Especially that my husband gave me NookColor it is very easy to purchase a book. The shameful part in this is that I have started reading erotica.***I thought that I read these because I don't have romance in my life anymore. That reality has settled in and now I have to escape to a place where there is always a happy ending. In truth I don't feel slighted that there is no romance in my married life at this time. It is hard to be romantic when we have 2 toddlers and a baby. Although we do try our best to have movie dates and such. But I do admit that the reality of life as a wife and a mother has settled in. My previous carefree single self-centered self is trying to cope with the responsibilities of self-less love. With things left undone, the feeling of inadequacy as a wife and a mother, the clashes of personalities, the crushed expectations about myself as a wife and mother, about married love vs romantic love prior to marriage and children, has made me inwardly seek escape.***But I feel the need to stop again. I feel I am not living fully. I feel that my brain is too fuzzy with unreal situations and endings. I need to have presence of mind. I need to live for today. I need to live without the guarantee of a happy ending. I need to be free from these books to live with clear mind and pure heart.

State of Lethargy

Ever since my third son was born there has been more episodes of my being lethargic, I call it a "state of lethargy". It is natural that I should be physically tired taking care of 2 toddlers and a baby, be a wife to my husband and still have a full-time job. But I have been tired before but my work didn't suffer this much before either. I have called-in sick more than I ever had with my first 2 kids. Compounded with the physical tiredness, I also experience a mental malaise that calling-in sick has become commonplace and less guilt-ridden.***Even as I take care of my kids, when I am at the peak of this "state" I just put them in the living room, make sure they are all safe, feed them, clean them, and put Thomas DVDs all day. I don't feel motivated to play with them or read to them or teach them. And what do I do? I escape with my NookColor and read, or go to the web, or sleep. Although I may sound distracted, I am still vigilant and watchful. That's why I am not really relaxing at all because one cannot be truly relaxed when you have toddlers and babies.***I'm trying to figure out what to take or what to do to get myself out of this pit. I need to do something because I cannot afford to miss work anymore. I have been thinking about taking that energy drink 5Hour, but I don't know if its effective at all. So I really don't know what to do at this point.