escapist

I am never bored. I have learned when I was in 4th grade that I can escape to my mind and just make stories in my head, to use my imagination as a means to live an adventurous life. Then I started reading more and that became my access to more imagination and to my escape to another world, another life.
When I entered high school I started reading romance novels. These series of books were called Sweet Dreams. I used to devour them so fast, so hungrily. Then I graduated to Mills and Boon books, to Barbara Cartland books. Then by college I started reading more intensely sexualized romance novels. All through my adult single life besides my spiritual books and fantasy/sci-fi books, my romance novels were there to help me escape to happily-ever-after endings. ***Romance novels were like a drug to me. And they still are. At one point in my adult life I have even avoided them because of their sexually explicit nature and they made me think of impure thoughts. And I was successful too, but somehow I started reading them again after I gave birth to Nicholas. Especially that my husband gave me NookColor it is very easy to purchase a book. The shameful part in this is that I have started reading erotica.***I thought that I read these because I don't have romance in my life anymore. That reality has settled in and now I have to escape to a place where there is always a happy ending. In truth I don't feel slighted that there is no romance in my married life at this time. It is hard to be romantic when we have 2 toddlers and a baby. Although we do try our best to have movie dates and such. But I do admit that the reality of life as a wife and a mother has settled in. My previous carefree single self-centered self is trying to cope with the responsibilities of self-less love. With things left undone, the feeling of inadequacy as a wife and a mother, the clashes of personalities, the crushed expectations about myself as a wife and mother, about married love vs romantic love prior to marriage and children, has made me inwardly seek escape.***But I feel the need to stop again. I feel I am not living fully. I feel that my brain is too fuzzy with unreal situations and endings. I need to have presence of mind. I need to live for today. I need to live without the guarantee of a happy ending. I need to be free from these books to live with clear mind and pure heart.