Monday, May 30, 2011
What happened May 21st
So, on May 21st I attended our annual stroke conference Brain Attack! organized by UCLA. My friends at work and I usually go if not for the speakers who are brilliant but for the food. Usually it is held in Beverly Hills Hotel. My friends Rolando,Mira and Jenette were going so I knew it would be fun to go. The day before Rolando and I were already setting up the strategy for carpooling to the hotel. Our usual take was to meet in UCLA and then carpool to the hotel. I thought everything was ok to invite another co-worker to join the carpool but as the planning proceeded it was decided that we had to ditch our c-worker because Mira wanted to tell us something important and private and presonal to us. I became nervous when I heard that from Rolando, my first thought was something happened in Mira's marriage but after some thoughts I decided it was probably more positive than that.***Then saturday came and I met the three outside Med Plaza parking. I was nervous to hear what Mira was up to, but it was only when we were sitted in our table where we were going to listen to doctors drone out their expertise and accomplishments, and was eating our breakfast that she just blurted it out to me - "I'm gonna have a divorce - he cheated on me". Those few words came down on me like a ceiling caving in. I was swept with sadness for her situation and a creeping fear slowly came inside me as I listened to what have been happening in her married lfe for the last few months. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt ashamed that her husband Dexter is Cebuano like me. I became fearful of my own marriage by the fact of what happened the past Wednesday night.***To off set Mira's sad situation we (Rolando,Jenette,Mira and I) were texting like crazy for the first 2 hours of the conference. We texted crazy observations and useless info and topics. At one point I text telling them that kidding aside I am really sad about this anticipated dissolution of marriage and my fears about the fragility of marriage. Rolando and Jenette both text back with encouragement and practical thoughts. Even Mira text me that there is always hope. And with that I text that I will hold on to hope, hope on God that He will preserve my marriage.***Jenette,Mira and I didn't finish the whole conference as usual. Rolando wanted to stay. So we girls went to L.A. downtown by the Staples Center which they call L.A.Live and watched the movie Bridesmaids which was awesomely hilarious and went to dinner at Katsuya. We let Mira vent her feelings and her situation. For me it got to be very depressing. But who am I to complain when Mira's situation was worse than listening to her talk. So we let it her talk until we went our separate ways.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
If there is smoke should there always be fire?
Every wednesday our routine is that I drive with my kids to my parents house which is 1 1/2 hrs away, because by thurs to saturday I will be going to work in UCLA. It cuts down my commute as well as have my parents take care of my kids while I am at work and my husband is at his work in San Diego. For me this is my cross, a heavy cross. I can't wait for the day that we can save enough money and get rid of my husband's house and move to Orange county. My parents can live with us, and I can go home everytime after work.
***Anyway, last week we had our usual routine, my husband drove up with us. By the way, since I have to drive to work, going to my parents' is a pain, not only do I need to pack for the kids enough clothes but we have to drive 2 cars. So, as I said, anyway, we were in my parents house and my husband was taking care of the kids, I went to bring my husband's stuff from his car. He had told me that he lost his Flipvideo so I was rummaging through his stuff jsut in case I might see it. When I opened his messenger work bag what I saw was an almost finished KY jelly! Thoughts came like a tornado. I got his stuff and sought him out. But he wasn't in the bedroom. I checked his phone and found out that he has been communicating with his ex from high school Tillie from NY. When he came to the room with Nate. I asked him to swear in the lives of his kids to tell the truth. He chuckled because he thought I was being very mysterious and dramatic. Then I asked him. He didn't look flustered, he didn't look nervous. He just said he had it when he was single. He used to bring condoms and the jelly when he was single. Hmmph! Really??? But the question is who was he fucking when he was single at work???? So, then I asked him about his telecom with Tillie. What I read in the texts was that she has been unhappy with her 22+ marriage for a year now. But I also read texts she wrote where she was reminiscing about their past and how she still has all the momentoes he gave her long time ago. And I even read exchanges where they want to send pictures of each other!!!! What the hell is that!!! I would have understood it if this is plainly venting out and asking advice but this is reminiscing about the past that will never come again. She is still married and he is married now. I understand that she wants some kind of emotional high but that's not right, because he is married. And my husband is just being stupid! His answer was just to confirm that she is unhappy and that he did ask for her picture and she the same. He didn't even blink his eye, like there is nothing wrong with that!!!! AAAaaaaagghhhh! Then I reminded him of my bad feeling about his friendship with Shirley. Then he says there is nothing going on, he is just being a friend to Tillie, and he hasn't even talked to Shirley that often anymore. And all of this is just on me! I guess it is.***I know that my husband is not screwing anyone, or he would relegate himself to being like his dad whom he hates for leaving his mom and the rest of the family for another woman. But he seemed to have no instinct with regards to actions that are inappropriate for a married man even though it may be innocent. He doesn't know how to put himself in someone else's shoes and see how he would feel if I do the same things he does. I need to be proactive with my marriage, and at the same time find the time to be myself. I think being too suspicious about my husband and his friendships doesn't help me at all. But for sure I will be firm about him quitting this communication with Tillie, Tillie can find another friend to vent. I need to be vigilant in maintaining the integrity of my marriage. And I will find a way to talk with Shirley , she is Nico's godmother after all, and tell her how I feel.
***Anyway, last week we had our usual routine, my husband drove up with us. By the way, since I have to drive to work, going to my parents' is a pain, not only do I need to pack for the kids enough clothes but we have to drive 2 cars. So, as I said, anyway, we were in my parents house and my husband was taking care of the kids, I went to bring my husband's stuff from his car. He had told me that he lost his Flipvideo so I was rummaging through his stuff jsut in case I might see it. When I opened his messenger work bag what I saw was an almost finished KY jelly! Thoughts came like a tornado. I got his stuff and sought him out. But he wasn't in the bedroom. I checked his phone and found out that he has been communicating with his ex from high school Tillie from NY. When he came to the room with Nate. I asked him to swear in the lives of his kids to tell the truth. He chuckled because he thought I was being very mysterious and dramatic. Then I asked him. He didn't look flustered, he didn't look nervous. He just said he had it when he was single. He used to bring condoms and the jelly when he was single. Hmmph! Really??? But the question is who was he fucking when he was single at work???? So, then I asked him about his telecom with Tillie. What I read in the texts was that she has been unhappy with her 22+ marriage for a year now. But I also read texts she wrote where she was reminiscing about their past and how she still has all the momentoes he gave her long time ago. And I even read exchanges where they want to send pictures of each other!!!! What the hell is that!!! I would have understood it if this is plainly venting out and asking advice but this is reminiscing about the past that will never come again. She is still married and he is married now. I understand that she wants some kind of emotional high but that's not right, because he is married. And my husband is just being stupid! His answer was just to confirm that she is unhappy and that he did ask for her picture and she the same. He didn't even blink his eye, like there is nothing wrong with that!!!! AAAaaaaagghhhh! Then I reminded him of my bad feeling about his friendship with Shirley. Then he says there is nothing going on, he is just being a friend to Tillie, and he hasn't even talked to Shirley that often anymore. And all of this is just on me! I guess it is.***I know that my husband is not screwing anyone, or he would relegate himself to being like his dad whom he hates for leaving his mom and the rest of the family for another woman. But he seemed to have no instinct with regards to actions that are inappropriate for a married man even though it may be innocent. He doesn't know how to put himself in someone else's shoes and see how he would feel if I do the same things he does. I need to be proactive with my marriage, and at the same time find the time to be myself. I think being too suspicious about my husband and his friendships doesn't help me at all. But for sure I will be firm about him quitting this communication with Tillie, Tillie can find another friend to vent. I need to be vigilant in maintaining the integrity of my marriage. And I will find a way to talk with Shirley , she is Nico's godmother after all, and tell her how I feel.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Got superpowers?
Like any wife and mother of more than 1.5 kids, I definitely need superpowers to fulfill the multiple roles and responsibilities I have without resorting to hair-pulling or booze. But unfortunately, for some reason God is really very confident on the woman that she can pull off all these roles without being homicidical. And I would agree He is right. Although on my part I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I sometimes feel surprised that I remember to feed my kids. But somehow I do.
I have 3 little kids, which I got one after the other. Nico is 2years and 6months, Noah is 1 year old and 3 months and Nathan is 3 going on 4months. I love my kids. I cannot imagine my life without them. When Noah was 3 months old, I found out that I was pregnant again I cried. I never thought that getting pregnant would make me cry. But for the first time in my life I felt this crushing weight of responsibility and the feeling of near to absolute vulnerability. I felt that God has not answered my prayer that I only need 2 kids, and felt the fear of what will happen to my kids if something happens to me or my husband. We are not a young couple. I am 40 years old now, and he is 47 years old. I want the best for my kids, like any other parent, but I felt that we don't have enough of what we need. We need a new house, we need a new car, a minivan to fit us all and some.
Right now we are all ok. I thank God for giving us what we need now. I just almost all the time wish I have superpowers to do all I need to do for my kids, for my husband, for myself and still have enough energy to go to work. I need to be superfast to do cleaning and laundry in an hour, and the super-cooking-skills to feed my kids and husband. I need super-strength to play with 3 kids, and still able to give them showers before my husband comes home from work (this routine happens Mons-Weds on my days off). Ahhh superpowers! Maybe I should pray a novena for them.
I have 3 little kids, which I got one after the other. Nico is 2years and 6months, Noah is 1 year old and 3 months and Nathan is 3 going on 4months. I love my kids. I cannot imagine my life without them. When Noah was 3 months old, I found out that I was pregnant again I cried. I never thought that getting pregnant would make me cry. But for the first time in my life I felt this crushing weight of responsibility and the feeling of near to absolute vulnerability. I felt that God has not answered my prayer that I only need 2 kids, and felt the fear of what will happen to my kids if something happens to me or my husband. We are not a young couple. I am 40 years old now, and he is 47 years old. I want the best for my kids, like any other parent, but I felt that we don't have enough of what we need. We need a new house, we need a new car, a minivan to fit us all and some.
Right now we are all ok. I thank God for giving us what we need now. I just almost all the time wish I have superpowers to do all I need to do for my kids, for my husband, for myself and still have enough energy to go to work. I need to be superfast to do cleaning and laundry in an hour, and the super-cooking-skills to feed my kids and husband. I need super-strength to play with 3 kids, and still able to give them showers before my husband comes home from work (this routine happens Mons-Weds on my days off). Ahhh superpowers! Maybe I should pray a novena for them.
Here I go again....
This would be the umpteenth time that I have started journaling again, the words to spot really is "have started". Because unfortunately I am good at starting but not so good at finishing. I have started with nice looking journaling books, went through moleskines but never finished 1 journal. So now I am starting a blog! Ok, I don't want to be pessimistic but I have a feeling that I can continue this bit of self-expression on my part and enjoy it and keep at it. I know that even with journaling I need a little bit of superpower to be consistent with chronicling my ordinary adventures but unfortunately I don't have it, so I hope just to use mere mortal persistence and mere mortal enthusiasm that will carry me through.
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