Being married to Chris #3

So last night we had our discouragingly common tiffs again. We were finishing dinner, and Chris opened a letter from a foreclosure agency and commented that he should send this to our realtor Alex. I asked him if he has noticed advertisements about companies that buy houses, because I noticed a van with an ad on its sides about a company that buys houses whatever the condition. And then BAM he snappily said that we already have a realtor, so I told him  it was just a question, then he continued that he can only do one thing at a time. Which irked me because all I had was  a question and he just had to be so snippy and patronizing  about it. Simultaneously I realized and answered him that he was reading something out of a simple question. He didn't answer back. But I was too ticked already so I was morose again and brooding again. I can only take a few minutes in his presence so I left the living room with Nathaniel and stayed in our bedroom for the remainder of the evening until everyone was in bed.***In truth I don't know how long I can take this kind of behavior from him. Its so irksome and I always feel miserable. I am not the type to tolerate misery for long. So I sent him an email about how I'm feeling and sent it to our gmail and his cox email. I reminded him to tell me or email me his response to my missive. My hope is that he will find the motivation to change.***On my part this weekend I asked him if my zoning out really bothers him. He said that it does, and he feels that I am not listening to him or paying him any attention, and he added that he doesn't like when I get stressed out and tells him what to do because then it sounds abrupt and demanding. Hearing him felt like a jagged pill I have to swallow. I had to  pound on my pride to submission or then I will feel angry and betrayed by his honesty. So I accepted my shortcomings and clarified from him what he wanted me to sound and act and talk to him. I had to pray to Mary that my pride will not seek retaliation.  Since then I have been trying to keep what he wants in mind. Responding to his conversation, participating in a conversation, and when I ask him to do something to be always courteous and grateful (like Shirley, I'm sure!)

Continuation on my birthday weekend celebration

When we arrived at UCI, Chris went in first, as I waited for my parents to arrive so we can exchange cars and they can bring the boys to Artesia. While I waited I texted Lenjay about what's going on and for her prayers. Then I texted My mother-in-law and sisters-in-law. I know that Chris doesn't want to worry them but I needed all prayers that I can get. ***Finally my parents arrived. By then although it was really just 30 mins since Chris went in, it felt like hours, Nicholas and Noah were awake. My parents were really worried. My dad's question to me was how I think Chris looked. I told him that for me doesn't look like M.I. but just be muscle strain. He believed me. *** I finally got to sit at Chris' side. He looked like he was about to tear when I told him how worried my parents were and how they finally are driving to Artesia with the boys. During the time we were there, Chris' vital signs had been normal, as well as his 12 lead EKG, his lab work and his chest X-ray. Two doctors came and talked with us, and they diagnosed him with Pleurisy. They are not 100% sure what it really is, they are less leaning on M.I. and more on Pleurisy with the signs and symptoms and the clinical results. Around 0630 we left after Chris took some Advil and we went back to the hotel first and got some shot-eye. At around noon we went to Artesia and collected our boys.*** This time we went and explored Disney CA Adventures. I like it there a lot, maybe because I see more for adults fun too. I had to keep Chris from carrying one of our boys. Early evening we met my parents again and my Tita Cecil and Tita Lolit and ate at BJ's restaurant and brewhouse for my bday dinner. All in all it was a good day. The not good side was Chris' Pleurisy, we didn't get to go to mass, and we lost the camcorder that Chris gave me for my bday. Suckidoodle!

My weekend birthday celebration

From Aug 4th-6th we stayed at Disney Grand Californian Resort and Spa and from 6th to 8th we stayed at the Hyatt Regency Long Beach. Overall it was good. It could have been worse. We arrived at Disney in the afternoon and got checked in without a hitch. Except for not a good view from our room the room was still good. Good decor, well kept and modern. We went to Disney downtown first for early dinner and then went to Disneyland park. We were able to watch the water/laser show in Frontierland, even when Noah was fussing and Chris had to carry him the whole time. We would have stayed to see the fireworks but it was getting really late and the boys except Nathaniel were fussy. So we left and slept.***At around 2am Chris woke me up for a chest pressure pain that wouldn't go away. He said that it would get worse when he breathes in deeper. For me he looked in pain but was standing around and walking around and talking without shortness of breath. And he didn't look like he was panicky. Because of the kids I told him if we could call a hotel staff to escort him downstairs and then have them call 911. I was thinking the kids were fast asleep and since they slept really late I don't want to disturb them, or it will be like opening a new can of worms.***But Chris wanted all of us to go the hospital. So without further adieu we packed the kids and went downstairs to the front desk to retrieve our car and get directions to UCI Medical Center. As I was waiting for the receptionist to get a print-out of the directions, I called my mom. She was already nervous when she answered the phone. I broke down a bit when I told her what was happening. So that got her even nervous. But I knew she will start praying and that is what we need. Its amazing how when I am too nervous or even fearful, the prayer that comes to mind very easily is Hail Mary. So that was what I prayed. Chris was still in pain as I drove us to the hospital. And he was anxious and sad that he thought he was ruining my birthday. But at that moment I was more afraid that if things will be worse than I hoped this birthday will be the worse ever.***

Being married to Chris #2

So yesterday, while I was putting things and my boys together to go to Artesia and hopefully being on time for my Nathaniel's doctor appt, I was looking for my hair brush, and thinking that Chris might unconsciously took it and placed it in his backpack since I have been looking all over and I couldn't find it so I was thinking it might be there. I found his backpack in the garage and started looking for my brush. I didn't find my brush but I found the lube that I found in Chris messenger bag several weeks ago on which I already confronted him with it. After a few days of that confrontation I checked his bag again and I didn't find it, I presumed that he threw it away. Well, now I know he didn't. I cried when I saw it. I plan to talk to him about it. But not on my birthday weekend...after. And I want to settle this once in for all.

Its been a tiring few days

I know that I should have mentioned it but for this past weekend Chris and I have been in a tiff. It all started last Thursday when he answered me in a condescending and aggressive manner of a simple question. I really cannot figure out what sets him off like that. There has been occasions when  I was able to just stand back and not react but that afternoon it just made me shut up, brood and percolate. Then it didn't get better Sunday and Monday, it even got worse. So we weren't talking to each other well. Yesterday it was better, then this morning before he left for work he was a bit more relaxed and lingering when saying good-bye. I felt miserable the whole time. I feel stuck. I feel I want to go and escape somewhere, not just mentally but really physically. These are the times when the fact that marriage is not a guarantee comes to me forcefully. I imagine myself separated from him when my kids are already adults. And during these times when the issue about his friendships with Shirley and Tillie Ann bothers me more like pebbles in my shoes. I do pray to God that , even though it will hurt like the dickens, I want to know the truth. And I always add that when that happens that God will strengthen me and help me stand up and more forward. Want superpower? A thick skin from the verbal assault from my husband.

superpowers anyone?

So what superpower should I want to have? Strength? So that I can do a lot of chores in the house, then do gardening in the front yard and backyard, and clean the floors, and clean and organize the garage while taking care of the needs of my kids without breaking a sweat?*** How about lightning speed? So I can do all that I mentioned and have a lot of time to read, and bond with my kids , and review for my certification, and blog, and talk with God, and read again...? Mmmmm...Yup. I think I want those - super strength and super speed. Where could I get those? And from whom? God? Yes, most probably from Him. But I don't think He'll grant me any superpower. Or else there won't be any martyrs because they would have escaped their painful demise. So, I guess I will just have to rely on 5hour Energy drinks.

Being married to Chris #1

I love my husband. He is a decent fellow, who has a great work ethic, and very devoted to his children. He is fierce and will die for his kids. He has a penchant for watching dance shows and singing shows. He loves movies and likes to read books. I am lucky to have him as my husband. BUT he can really be exasperating. I have made a decision that the suspicious feelings I have regarding his continued preferential friendship with Shirley and now with Tillie Ann are something I have to let go. It's still an ongoing struggle to let them not affect me, although its pretty hard, especially since his actions doesn't help my peace of mind. I always thought that a person who loves someone always strive to give his/her love one peace of mind, but I guess with him that is not part of loving or he probably thinks if you trust someone fully then you will have peace of mind. Because there is no reason to doubt them or be suspicious of their actions. But if a husband is more available telephonically for a "best" friend than for his wife, or that a husband starts re-establishing a "friendship" with his ex and asks a picture of her, well, even though I trust him not to cross the line and be grossly unfaithful, his little actions belie his verbal excuses. He used to be jealous of some of my friendships and possessive of our relationship. But not anymore. I don't know when it disappeared. I don't like an unnecessary jealousy especially if there is no actions that support such feeling. But he almost act like he does't care. That's ok, that's my life.***Another exasperating thing he does is the way he talks with me half the time. There are really two ways he talks to me that gets to me. First, he answers me in a sarcastic, another question for a question, condescending way. It riles me up and it replaces anything positive in the conversation to all negative. He has the talent in making me loss my cheerfulness. I believe that it gives him great pleasure to rile me up. The second, is his way of condescendingly answering a question with unbridled irritation bordering on anger. THAT shuts me up, and I just brood and percolate in silent anger.***Ahhhhh...I really don't know what to do. I feel that if he had showed me this side of him before I fell in love with him, it would have just lasted  a few dates. I don't regret marrying him now because I have my beautiful sons. But I cannot guarantee I will feel the same way after a few years. Because for me this is a way of taking me for granted. And I am only human, I am the most imperfect person in the world and I don't think my patience can stretch a lifetime with this almost constant onslaught of negativity and condescension. Re-reading what I have written here makes me sound so melodramatic, and it makes one think that Chris is verbally pounding me with a sledgehammer but its really only a chisel. But a chisel can destroy a massive, strong dam if one taps on it persistently.***Another thing that confounds me about Chris is the fact that he lied to me. When we were still getting to know each other he said of himself that he "doesn't sweat the small stuff". YEAH RIGHT!! HE DOES!! Any change of plans or change in my opinions makes him go crazy. AHHHHH!! If this was a start of a relationship, I would have been out of here. But I can't. I am bound by my love for Chris and our children. But I have learned from a book once, when the hurt of staying supersedes the hurt of leaving then one leaves.