Mars VS Venus

I always believe that man compliments woman. Because they are made that way by God. But because of Adam and Eve, now being complimentary to each other became really complicated. I am no Stepford wife so I don't expect Chris to be perfect. But I guess its too good to be true to have Chris as romantic as he was when we were dating. He has given me awesome gifts for my birthdays or holidays. But I guess sometimes I just want also to have him make an effort to prepare or organize a birthday get-together for me. Since we have been married its just been me doing the organizing. Last year for my 40th birthday, we went to our time share in Vegas for the whole week. Mama Blanca and Lita were there. I had to find the restaurant to go have my birthday dinner with my good friends Gladys, Eric and their son Ethan. And then I didn't have a birthday cake, so I bought an ice cream cake with candles for me to blow. Now, my birthday is coming up again and I am paying for our stay in Disneyland and I will just have to buy my own cake. Suckididoodle!

Being a mom

I think for me being a mom is being in constant worry for the worst thing that could happen to my sons. I already have this bad imagination due to watching too much TV or movies. So I have this frequent flashes of bad scenarios that could happen to my kids. The good thing is that I also frequently have to pray to God for the safety of my sons.***Yesterday my mom called me from work. I saw the phone ID on the LCD of my work phone and went straight to the desk phone. I was panicking. I finally talked to her and she said that everything is ok except that Noah had an accident, he had punctured the base of his right thumb with my dad's old fishing hook. My dad and mom got panicky, but the great thing was we had great neighbors that helped my dad drive to the nearest hospital. So the doctor anesthetized the area and as fishing hooks are darn hard to pull out, he had to push the hook further out and then cut the end to be able to pull it out. I could just imagine my Noah crying like there was no tomorrow. I thank God that everything went ok so far. It could have been worse. Today I had to see his pediatrician to check his wound out. He has developed cellulitis and was prescribed an antibiotic, and he had additional tetanus shot and his other remaining vaccines. Right now I am just waiting to pick up Chris from the train station so we could go to Camp Pendelton to get the prescription filled. Ahhhhh... unfortunately I have realized that I will have to be in this constant state of vigilance for the safety of my sons and the feeling that there will be more situations like this as they grow up. It sucks but that's life as mom.

a hot day for deep thoughts

Its been awhile since last I wrote here. Its a hot day today, even with our portable AC turned on since 10am. The weeds are growing free in the front yard and backyard. Unfortunately I'm no Mrs. Cleaver or even at least my mother-in-law. So on they grow. I feel that I don't accomplish anything when I am at home. House is never as clean, laundry is never finished. Its often now that I let Chris buy dinner for us. The fact of my less productivity and the unaccomplished feeling is making me less driven to follow through on the things I need to do at home. I am not normally  a very driven person, but now I am even less driven. I just want to escape with the books I am reading in my NookColor. Shamefully I am escaping to romance books, not even books that are thought-provoking or books that stimulate my brain cells. I feel more accomplished at work than at home. I feel I need a life coach. But one is probably expensive.***The good question is why am I not driven or at least a self-motivated person? I sometimes feel that along the way I didn't want to work hard anymore. I mean, working as a nurse is hard. But other than that I just want to go with the flow in myself. I don't want to challenge myself anymore. At times I want to at least challenge myself creatively with my photography but I only feel down when I find myself too tired or too lazy to go shoot some photos. I think I should think about this. I think I should change my attitude. I think I should start being a better version of myself. I know I am getting on to be 41 years old, but I believe its never too late to BE BETTER.***Now I know what I'm going to do, I'm going to germinate this idea of BE BETTER challenge. A challenge I give myself. I think my mantra will be BE BETTER - this minute, this hour, this day. The nagging thought in my head is that - I've been here before, been here done that, I always start and never finish! WELL SO WHAT! Being better is a lifetime of doing! SO YOU CAN SHOVE THAT PESSIMISTIC SELF TO WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHINE!

updates

I have checked off one item in my needs-list. Last Memorial Day we went to Carlsbad Honda and leased an Odyssey LX. I had asked my parents to pray for us that we will be able to get a new car to fit all of us. And I have prayed as well, especially for us to have a salesperson who will understand our needs and get us a deal that will help us. And we did. God answered our prayers. We got Nick from Honda and he was the one who suggested to lease-to-own. He bought our Murano off our hands. So now we are in a minivan. Chris is happy, he feels that we are not crammed anymore especially the kids. I feel happy too and more comfortable driving it because its not too high. Its lower that our former Murano and higher than my Corolla.***We had a good Memorial Day weekend. Although we didn't do anything spectacular but we went to Kidsville that Sunday, then we went to the Carlsbad Outlet Monday the time we got the minivan. Then Tuesday Chris had put himself on a holiday, so we had another day with him, which was great. It was a good weekend.***My friend Mira's situation is not getting better. She is in a point now where she just want to accept anything to have her family back but her husband Dexter just doesn't want them anymore. I shed a few tears with her when she said "he doesn't even care for his kids anymore...he is not the husband I married"...She said that she is looking for a lawyer, I told her that's a good idea because the lawyer will look after her needs much more objectively while she deals with her emotional upheaval and take care of the kids at the same time. I encouraged her that the CA law is in her side and she should take advantage of it.***I have accepted that marriage is fragile. It is not a matter of lack of trust or even insecurity to be vigilant and protective of the integrity of one's marriage. Anyone can fall and do something really stupid. So, as I am vigilant I am also not forgetting that I have hobbies and things I want to do. Last Saturday I attended 2 photo workshops by Christian Michaels at Digital Photo Academy at North Park District in San Diego. I attended first a 2-hr class in Composition, then a 4-hr class on Intermediate level - a beginners level on DSLR. I had a great time and I felt my itchy fingers loving the shutter again and my photographic eyes are waking up again. So I have resolved that I make an effort to continue doing my hobbies, to not lose myself in a marriage that is fragile. I do sound very pessimistic though about marriage but really I'm not, I'm just watchful and accepting now. I know only God can spare a marriage from dissolution but He cannot force feelings into someone either. ***Chris is still communicating with Tillie. He told me to ask him anything about it and he will tell me, their conversation and what-not. I don't agree with their renewed friendship but there is nothing I can do about it. He said that nothing is going but just talking to her about family and marriage. I will have to trust my husband about this. But my resolve is strengthening about not losing myself in my marriage. And this includes not feeling guilty about not having a clean house, not being a good cook, being tired and going to sleep ahead of Chris and being my weird self sometimes.

What happened May 21st

So, on May 21st I attended our annual stroke conference Brain Attack! organized by UCLA. My friends at work and I usually go if not for the speakers who are brilliant but for the food. Usually it is held in Beverly Hills Hotel. My friends Rolando,Mira and Jenette were going so I knew it would be fun to go. The day before Rolando and I were already setting up the strategy for carpooling to the hotel. Our usual take was to meet in UCLA and then carpool to the hotel. I thought everything was ok to invite another co-worker to join the carpool but as the planning proceeded it was decided that we had to ditch our c-worker because Mira wanted to tell us something important and private and presonal to us. I became nervous when I heard that from Rolando, my first thought was something happened in Mira's marriage but after some thoughts I decided it was probably more positive than that.***Then saturday came and I met the three outside Med Plaza parking. I was nervous to hear what Mira was up to, but it was only when we were sitted in our table where we were going to listen to doctors drone out their expertise and accomplishments, and was eating our breakfast that she just blurted it out to me - "I'm gonna have a divorce - he cheated on me". Those few words came down on me like a ceiling caving in. I was swept with sadness for her situation and a creeping fear slowly came inside me as I listened to what have been happening in her married lfe for the last few months. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt ashamed that her husband Dexter is Cebuano like me. I became fearful of my own marriage by the fact of what happened the past Wednesday night.***To off set Mira's sad situation we (Rolando,Jenette,Mira and I) were texting like crazy for the first 2 hours of the conference. We texted crazy observations and useless info and topics. At one point I text telling them that kidding aside I am really sad about this anticipated dissolution of marriage and my fears about the fragility of marriage. Rolando and Jenette both text back with encouragement and practical thoughts. Even Mira text me that there is always hope. And with that I text that I will hold on to hope, hope on God that He will preserve my marriage.***Jenette,Mira and I didn't finish the whole conference as usual. Rolando wanted to stay. So we girls went to L.A. downtown by the Staples Center which they call L.A.Live and watched the movie Bridesmaids which was awesomely hilarious and went to dinner at Katsuya. We let Mira vent her feelings and her situation. For me it got to be very depressing. But who am I to complain when Mira's situation was worse than listening to her talk. So we let it her talk until we went our separate ways.

If there is smoke should there always be fire?

Every wednesday our routine is that I drive with my kids to my parents house which is 1 1/2 hrs away, because by thurs to saturday I will be going to work in UCLA. It cuts down my commute as well as have my parents take care of my kids while I am at work and my husband is at his work in San Diego. For me this is my cross, a heavy cross. I can't wait for the day that we can save enough money and get rid of my husband's house and move to Orange county. My parents can live with us, and I can go home everytime after work.
***Anyway, last week we had our usual routine, my husband drove up with us. By the way, since I have to drive to work, going to my parents' is a pain, not only do I need to pack for the kids enough clothes but we have to drive 2 cars. So, as I said, anyway, we were in my parents house and my husband was taking care of the kids, I went to bring my husband's stuff from his car. He had told me that he lost his Flipvideo so I was rummaging through his stuff jsut in case I might see it. When I opened his messenger work bag what I saw was an almost finished KY jelly! Thoughts came like a tornado. I got his stuff and sought him out. But he wasn't in the bedroom. I checked his phone and found out that he has been communicating with his ex from high school Tillie from NY. When he came to the room with Nate. I asked him to swear in the lives of his kids to tell the truth. He chuckled because he thought I was being very mysterious and dramatic. Then I asked him. He didn't look flustered, he didn't look nervous. He just said he had it when he was single. He used to bring condoms and the jelly when he was single. Hmmph! Really??? But the question is who was he fucking when he was single at work???? So, then I asked him about his telecom with Tillie. What I read in the texts was that she has been unhappy with her 22+ marriage for a year now. But I also read texts she wrote where she was reminiscing about their past and how she still has all the momentoes he gave her long time ago. And I even read exchanges where they want to send pictures of each other!!!! What the hell is that!!! I would have understood it if this is plainly venting out and asking advice but this is reminiscing about the past that will never come again. She is still married and he is married now. I understand that she wants some kind of emotional high but that's not right, because he is married. And my husband is just being stupid! His answer was just to confirm that she is unhappy and that he did ask for her picture and she the same. He didn't even blink his eye, like there is nothing wrong with that!!!! AAAaaaaagghhhh! Then I reminded him of my bad feeling about his friendship with Shirley. Then he says there is nothing going on, he is just being a friend to Tillie, and he hasn't even talked to Shirley that often anymore. And all of this is just on me! I guess it is.***I know that my husband is not screwing anyone, or he would relegate himself to being like his dad whom he hates for leaving his mom and the rest of the family for another woman. But he seemed to have no instinct with regards to actions that are inappropriate for a married man even though it may be innocent. He doesn't know how to put himself in someone else's shoes and see how he would feel if I do the same things he does. I need to be proactive with my marriage, and at the same time find the time to be myself. I think being too suspicious about my husband and his friendships doesn't help me at all. But for sure I will be firm about him quitting this communication with Tillie, Tillie can find another friend to vent. I need to be vigilant in maintaining the integrity of my marriage. And I will find a way to talk with Shirley , she is Nico's godmother after all, and tell her how I feel.

Got superpowers?

Like any wife and mother of  more than 1.5 kids, I definitely need superpowers to fulfill the multiple roles and responsibilities I have without resorting to hair-pulling or booze. But unfortunately, for some reason God is really very confident on the woman that she can pull off all these roles without being homicidical. And I would agree He is right. Although on my part I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I sometimes feel surprised that I remember to feed my kids. But somehow I do.
I have 3 little kids, which I got one after the other. Nico is 2years and 6months, Noah is 1 year old and 3 months and Nathan is 3 going on 4months. I love my kids. I cannot imagine my life without them. When Noah was 3 months old, I found out that I was pregnant again I cried. I never thought that getting pregnant would make me cry. But for the first time in my life I felt this crushing weight of responsibility and the feeling of near to absolute vulnerability. I felt that God has not answered my prayer that I only need 2 kids, and felt the fear of what will happen to my kids if something happens to me or my husband. We are not a young couple. I am 40 years old now, and he is 47 years old. I want the best for my kids, like any other parent, but I felt that we don't have enough of what we need. We need a new house, we need a new car, a minivan to fit us all and some.
Right now we are all ok. I thank God for giving us what we need now. I just almost all the time wish I have superpowers to do all I need to do for my kids, for my husband, for myself and still have enough energy to go to work. I need to be superfast to do cleaning and laundry in an hour, and the super-cooking-skills to feed my kids and husband. I need super-strength to play with 3 kids, and still able to give them showers before my husband comes home from work (this routine happens Mons-Weds on my days off). Ahhh superpowers! Maybe I should pray a novena for them.