Its been a tiring few days

I know that I should have mentioned it but for this past weekend Chris and I have been in a tiff. It all started last Thursday when he answered me in a condescending and aggressive manner of a simple question. I really cannot figure out what sets him off like that. There has been occasions when  I was able to just stand back and not react but that afternoon it just made me shut up, brood and percolate. Then it didn't get better Sunday and Monday, it even got worse. So we weren't talking to each other well. Yesterday it was better, then this morning before he left for work he was a bit more relaxed and lingering when saying good-bye. I felt miserable the whole time. I feel stuck. I feel I want to go and escape somewhere, not just mentally but really physically. These are the times when the fact that marriage is not a guarantee comes to me forcefully. I imagine myself separated from him when my kids are already adults. And during these times when the issue about his friendships with Shirley and Tillie Ann bothers me more like pebbles in my shoes. I do pray to God that , even though it will hurt like the dickens, I want to know the truth. And I always add that when that happens that God will strengthen me and help me stand up and more forward. Want superpower? A thick skin from the verbal assault from my husband.

superpowers anyone?

So what superpower should I want to have? Strength? So that I can do a lot of chores in the house, then do gardening in the front yard and backyard, and clean the floors, and clean and organize the garage while taking care of the needs of my kids without breaking a sweat?*** How about lightning speed? So I can do all that I mentioned and have a lot of time to read, and bond with my kids , and review for my certification, and blog, and talk with God, and read again...? Mmmmm...Yup. I think I want those - super strength and super speed. Where could I get those? And from whom? God? Yes, most probably from Him. But I don't think He'll grant me any superpower. Or else there won't be any martyrs because they would have escaped their painful demise. So, I guess I will just have to rely on 5hour Energy drinks.

Being married to Chris #1

I love my husband. He is a decent fellow, who has a great work ethic, and very devoted to his children. He is fierce and will die for his kids. He has a penchant for watching dance shows and singing shows. He loves movies and likes to read books. I am lucky to have him as my husband. BUT he can really be exasperating. I have made a decision that the suspicious feelings I have regarding his continued preferential friendship with Shirley and now with Tillie Ann are something I have to let go. It's still an ongoing struggle to let them not affect me, although its pretty hard, especially since his actions doesn't help my peace of mind. I always thought that a person who loves someone always strive to give his/her love one peace of mind, but I guess with him that is not part of loving or he probably thinks if you trust someone fully then you will have peace of mind. Because there is no reason to doubt them or be suspicious of their actions. But if a husband is more available telephonically for a "best" friend than for his wife, or that a husband starts re-establishing a "friendship" with his ex and asks a picture of her, well, even though I trust him not to cross the line and be grossly unfaithful, his little actions belie his verbal excuses. He used to be jealous of some of my friendships and possessive of our relationship. But not anymore. I don't know when it disappeared. I don't like an unnecessary jealousy especially if there is no actions that support such feeling. But he almost act like he does't care. That's ok, that's my life.***Another exasperating thing he does is the way he talks with me half the time. There are really two ways he talks to me that gets to me. First, he answers me in a sarcastic, another question for a question, condescending way. It riles me up and it replaces anything positive in the conversation to all negative. He has the talent in making me loss my cheerfulness. I believe that it gives him great pleasure to rile me up. The second, is his way of condescendingly answering a question with unbridled irritation bordering on anger. THAT shuts me up, and I just brood and percolate in silent anger.***Ahhhhh...I really don't know what to do. I feel that if he had showed me this side of him before I fell in love with him, it would have just lasted  a few dates. I don't regret marrying him now because I have my beautiful sons. But I cannot guarantee I will feel the same way after a few years. Because for me this is a way of taking me for granted. And I am only human, I am the most imperfect person in the world and I don't think my patience can stretch a lifetime with this almost constant onslaught of negativity and condescension. Re-reading what I have written here makes me sound so melodramatic, and it makes one think that Chris is verbally pounding me with a sledgehammer but its really only a chisel. But a chisel can destroy a massive, strong dam if one taps on it persistently.***Another thing that confounds me about Chris is the fact that he lied to me. When we were still getting to know each other he said of himself that he "doesn't sweat the small stuff". YEAH RIGHT!! HE DOES!! Any change of plans or change in my opinions makes him go crazy. AHHHHH!! If this was a start of a relationship, I would have been out of here. But I can't. I am bound by my love for Chris and our children. But I have learned from a book once, when the hurt of staying supersedes the hurt of leaving then one leaves.

Mars VS Venus

I always believe that man compliments woman. Because they are made that way by God. But because of Adam and Eve, now being complimentary to each other became really complicated. I am no Stepford wife so I don't expect Chris to be perfect. But I guess its too good to be true to have Chris as romantic as he was when we were dating. He has given me awesome gifts for my birthdays or holidays. But I guess sometimes I just want also to have him make an effort to prepare or organize a birthday get-together for me. Since we have been married its just been me doing the organizing. Last year for my 40th birthday, we went to our time share in Vegas for the whole week. Mama Blanca and Lita were there. I had to find the restaurant to go have my birthday dinner with my good friends Gladys, Eric and their son Ethan. And then I didn't have a birthday cake, so I bought an ice cream cake with candles for me to blow. Now, my birthday is coming up again and I am paying for our stay in Disneyland and I will just have to buy my own cake. Suckididoodle!

Being a mom

I think for me being a mom is being in constant worry for the worst thing that could happen to my sons. I already have this bad imagination due to watching too much TV or movies. So I have this frequent flashes of bad scenarios that could happen to my kids. The good thing is that I also frequently have to pray to God for the safety of my sons.***Yesterday my mom called me from work. I saw the phone ID on the LCD of my work phone and went straight to the desk phone. I was panicking. I finally talked to her and she said that everything is ok except that Noah had an accident, he had punctured the base of his right thumb with my dad's old fishing hook. My dad and mom got panicky, but the great thing was we had great neighbors that helped my dad drive to the nearest hospital. So the doctor anesthetized the area and as fishing hooks are darn hard to pull out, he had to push the hook further out and then cut the end to be able to pull it out. I could just imagine my Noah crying like there was no tomorrow. I thank God that everything went ok so far. It could have been worse. Today I had to see his pediatrician to check his wound out. He has developed cellulitis and was prescribed an antibiotic, and he had additional tetanus shot and his other remaining vaccines. Right now I am just waiting to pick up Chris from the train station so we could go to Camp Pendelton to get the prescription filled. Ahhhhh... unfortunately I have realized that I will have to be in this constant state of vigilance for the safety of my sons and the feeling that there will be more situations like this as they grow up. It sucks but that's life as mom.

a hot day for deep thoughts

Its been awhile since last I wrote here. Its a hot day today, even with our portable AC turned on since 10am. The weeds are growing free in the front yard and backyard. Unfortunately I'm no Mrs. Cleaver or even at least my mother-in-law. So on they grow. I feel that I don't accomplish anything when I am at home. House is never as clean, laundry is never finished. Its often now that I let Chris buy dinner for us. The fact of my less productivity and the unaccomplished feeling is making me less driven to follow through on the things I need to do at home. I am not normally  a very driven person, but now I am even less driven. I just want to escape with the books I am reading in my NookColor. Shamefully I am escaping to romance books, not even books that are thought-provoking or books that stimulate my brain cells. I feel more accomplished at work than at home. I feel I need a life coach. But one is probably expensive.***The good question is why am I not driven or at least a self-motivated person? I sometimes feel that along the way I didn't want to work hard anymore. I mean, working as a nurse is hard. But other than that I just want to go with the flow in myself. I don't want to challenge myself anymore. At times I want to at least challenge myself creatively with my photography but I only feel down when I find myself too tired or too lazy to go shoot some photos. I think I should think about this. I think I should change my attitude. I think I should start being a better version of myself. I know I am getting on to be 41 years old, but I believe its never too late to BE BETTER.***Now I know what I'm going to do, I'm going to germinate this idea of BE BETTER challenge. A challenge I give myself. I think my mantra will be BE BETTER - this minute, this hour, this day. The nagging thought in my head is that - I've been here before, been here done that, I always start and never finish! WELL SO WHAT! Being better is a lifetime of doing! SO YOU CAN SHOVE THAT PESSIMISTIC SELF TO WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHINE!

updates

I have checked off one item in my needs-list. Last Memorial Day we went to Carlsbad Honda and leased an Odyssey LX. I had asked my parents to pray for us that we will be able to get a new car to fit all of us. And I have prayed as well, especially for us to have a salesperson who will understand our needs and get us a deal that will help us. And we did. God answered our prayers. We got Nick from Honda and he was the one who suggested to lease-to-own. He bought our Murano off our hands. So now we are in a minivan. Chris is happy, he feels that we are not crammed anymore especially the kids. I feel happy too and more comfortable driving it because its not too high. Its lower that our former Murano and higher than my Corolla.***We had a good Memorial Day weekend. Although we didn't do anything spectacular but we went to Kidsville that Sunday, then we went to the Carlsbad Outlet Monday the time we got the minivan. Then Tuesday Chris had put himself on a holiday, so we had another day with him, which was great. It was a good weekend.***My friend Mira's situation is not getting better. She is in a point now where she just want to accept anything to have her family back but her husband Dexter just doesn't want them anymore. I shed a few tears with her when she said "he doesn't even care for his kids anymore...he is not the husband I married"...She said that she is looking for a lawyer, I told her that's a good idea because the lawyer will look after her needs much more objectively while she deals with her emotional upheaval and take care of the kids at the same time. I encouraged her that the CA law is in her side and she should take advantage of it.***I have accepted that marriage is fragile. It is not a matter of lack of trust or even insecurity to be vigilant and protective of the integrity of one's marriage. Anyone can fall and do something really stupid. So, as I am vigilant I am also not forgetting that I have hobbies and things I want to do. Last Saturday I attended 2 photo workshops by Christian Michaels at Digital Photo Academy at North Park District in San Diego. I attended first a 2-hr class in Composition, then a 4-hr class on Intermediate level - a beginners level on DSLR. I had a great time and I felt my itchy fingers loving the shutter again and my photographic eyes are waking up again. So I have resolved that I make an effort to continue doing my hobbies, to not lose myself in a marriage that is fragile. I do sound very pessimistic though about marriage but really I'm not, I'm just watchful and accepting now. I know only God can spare a marriage from dissolution but He cannot force feelings into someone either. ***Chris is still communicating with Tillie. He told me to ask him anything about it and he will tell me, their conversation and what-not. I don't agree with their renewed friendship but there is nothing I can do about it. He said that nothing is going but just talking to her about family and marriage. I will have to trust my husband about this. But my resolve is strengthening about not losing myself in my marriage. And this includes not feeling guilty about not having a clean house, not being a good cook, being tired and going to sleep ahead of Chris and being my weird self sometimes.