romance novels

I really should stop reading romance novels. I feel that my brain has turned to mush because of them. Romance  novels doesn't really make me think, they don't challenge me or my imagination, or arouse my self-motivation. They do have entertainment value. But they don't do me any good at all. I am trying to figure out how to stop this addiction. What I can think right now is that I have to do it cold-turkey. I think there is no other way. Let me germinate this idea first.

escapist

I am never bored. I have learned when I was in 4th grade that I can escape to my mind and just make stories in my head, to use my imagination as a means to live an adventurous life. Then I started reading more and that became my access to more imagination and to my escape to another world, another life.
When I entered high school I started reading romance novels. These series of books were called Sweet Dreams. I used to devour them so fast, so hungrily. Then I graduated to Mills and Boon books, to Barbara Cartland books. Then by college I started reading more intensely sexualized romance novels. All through my adult single life besides my spiritual books and fantasy/sci-fi books, my romance novels were there to help me escape to happily-ever-after endings. ***Romance novels were like a drug to me. And they still are. At one point in my adult life I have even avoided them because of their sexually explicit nature and they made me think of impure thoughts. And I was successful too, but somehow I started reading them again after I gave birth to Nicholas. Especially that my husband gave me NookColor it is very easy to purchase a book. The shameful part in this is that I have started reading erotica.***I thought that I read these because I don't have romance in my life anymore. That reality has settled in and now I have to escape to a place where there is always a happy ending. In truth I don't feel slighted that there is no romance in my married life at this time. It is hard to be romantic when we have 2 toddlers and a baby. Although we do try our best to have movie dates and such. But I do admit that the reality of life as a wife and a mother has settled in. My previous carefree single self-centered self is trying to cope with the responsibilities of self-less love. With things left undone, the feeling of inadequacy as a wife and a mother, the clashes of personalities, the crushed expectations about myself as a wife and mother, about married love vs romantic love prior to marriage and children, has made me inwardly seek escape.***But I feel the need to stop again. I feel I am not living fully. I feel that my brain is too fuzzy with unreal situations and endings. I need to have presence of mind. I need to live for today. I need to live without the guarantee of a happy ending. I need to be free from these books to live with clear mind and pure heart.

State of Lethargy

Ever since my third son was born there has been more episodes of my being lethargic, I call it a "state of lethargy". It is natural that I should be physically tired taking care of 2 toddlers and a baby, be a wife to my husband and still have a full-time job. But I have been tired before but my work didn't suffer this much before either. I have called-in sick more than I ever had with my first 2 kids. Compounded with the physical tiredness, I also experience a mental malaise that calling-in sick has become commonplace and less guilt-ridden.***Even as I take care of my kids, when I am at the peak of this "state" I just put them in the living room, make sure they are all safe, feed them, clean them, and put Thomas DVDs all day. I don't feel motivated to play with them or read to them or teach them. And what do I do? I escape with my NookColor and read, or go to the web, or sleep. Although I may sound distracted, I am still vigilant and watchful. That's why I am not really relaxing at all because one cannot be truly relaxed when you have toddlers and babies.***I'm trying to figure out what to take or what to do to get myself out of this pit. I need to do something because I cannot afford to miss work anymore. I have been thinking about taking that energy drink 5Hour, but I don't know if its effective at all. So I really don't know what to do at this point.

Being married to Chris #3

So last night we had our discouragingly common tiffs again. We were finishing dinner, and Chris opened a letter from a foreclosure agency and commented that he should send this to our realtor Alex. I asked him if he has noticed advertisements about companies that buy houses, because I noticed a van with an ad on its sides about a company that buys houses whatever the condition. And then BAM he snappily said that we already have a realtor, so I told him  it was just a question, then he continued that he can only do one thing at a time. Which irked me because all I had was  a question and he just had to be so snippy and patronizing  about it. Simultaneously I realized and answered him that he was reading something out of a simple question. He didn't answer back. But I was too ticked already so I was morose again and brooding again. I can only take a few minutes in his presence so I left the living room with Nathaniel and stayed in our bedroom for the remainder of the evening until everyone was in bed.***In truth I don't know how long I can take this kind of behavior from him. Its so irksome and I always feel miserable. I am not the type to tolerate misery for long. So I sent him an email about how I'm feeling and sent it to our gmail and his cox email. I reminded him to tell me or email me his response to my missive. My hope is that he will find the motivation to change.***On my part this weekend I asked him if my zoning out really bothers him. He said that it does, and he feels that I am not listening to him or paying him any attention, and he added that he doesn't like when I get stressed out and tells him what to do because then it sounds abrupt and demanding. Hearing him felt like a jagged pill I have to swallow. I had to  pound on my pride to submission or then I will feel angry and betrayed by his honesty. So I accepted my shortcomings and clarified from him what he wanted me to sound and act and talk to him. I had to pray to Mary that my pride will not seek retaliation.  Since then I have been trying to keep what he wants in mind. Responding to his conversation, participating in a conversation, and when I ask him to do something to be always courteous and grateful (like Shirley, I'm sure!)

Continuation on my birthday weekend celebration

When we arrived at UCI, Chris went in first, as I waited for my parents to arrive so we can exchange cars and they can bring the boys to Artesia. While I waited I texted Lenjay about what's going on and for her prayers. Then I texted My mother-in-law and sisters-in-law. I know that Chris doesn't want to worry them but I needed all prayers that I can get. ***Finally my parents arrived. By then although it was really just 30 mins since Chris went in, it felt like hours, Nicholas and Noah were awake. My parents were really worried. My dad's question to me was how I think Chris looked. I told him that for me doesn't look like M.I. but just be muscle strain. He believed me. *** I finally got to sit at Chris' side. He looked like he was about to tear when I told him how worried my parents were and how they finally are driving to Artesia with the boys. During the time we were there, Chris' vital signs had been normal, as well as his 12 lead EKG, his lab work and his chest X-ray. Two doctors came and talked with us, and they diagnosed him with Pleurisy. They are not 100% sure what it really is, they are less leaning on M.I. and more on Pleurisy with the signs and symptoms and the clinical results. Around 0630 we left after Chris took some Advil and we went back to the hotel first and got some shot-eye. At around noon we went to Artesia and collected our boys.*** This time we went and explored Disney CA Adventures. I like it there a lot, maybe because I see more for adults fun too. I had to keep Chris from carrying one of our boys. Early evening we met my parents again and my Tita Cecil and Tita Lolit and ate at BJ's restaurant and brewhouse for my bday dinner. All in all it was a good day. The not good side was Chris' Pleurisy, we didn't get to go to mass, and we lost the camcorder that Chris gave me for my bday. Suckidoodle!

My weekend birthday celebration

From Aug 4th-6th we stayed at Disney Grand Californian Resort and Spa and from 6th to 8th we stayed at the Hyatt Regency Long Beach. Overall it was good. It could have been worse. We arrived at Disney in the afternoon and got checked in without a hitch. Except for not a good view from our room the room was still good. Good decor, well kept and modern. We went to Disney downtown first for early dinner and then went to Disneyland park. We were able to watch the water/laser show in Frontierland, even when Noah was fussing and Chris had to carry him the whole time. We would have stayed to see the fireworks but it was getting really late and the boys except Nathaniel were fussy. So we left and slept.***At around 2am Chris woke me up for a chest pressure pain that wouldn't go away. He said that it would get worse when he breathes in deeper. For me he looked in pain but was standing around and walking around and talking without shortness of breath. And he didn't look like he was panicky. Because of the kids I told him if we could call a hotel staff to escort him downstairs and then have them call 911. I was thinking the kids were fast asleep and since they slept really late I don't want to disturb them, or it will be like opening a new can of worms.***But Chris wanted all of us to go the hospital. So without further adieu we packed the kids and went downstairs to the front desk to retrieve our car and get directions to UCI Medical Center. As I was waiting for the receptionist to get a print-out of the directions, I called my mom. She was already nervous when she answered the phone. I broke down a bit when I told her what was happening. So that got her even nervous. But I knew she will start praying and that is what we need. Its amazing how when I am too nervous or even fearful, the prayer that comes to mind very easily is Hail Mary. So that was what I prayed. Chris was still in pain as I drove us to the hospital. And he was anxious and sad that he thought he was ruining my birthday. But at that moment I was more afraid that if things will be worse than I hoped this birthday will be the worse ever.***

Being married to Chris #2

So yesterday, while I was putting things and my boys together to go to Artesia and hopefully being on time for my Nathaniel's doctor appt, I was looking for my hair brush, and thinking that Chris might unconsciously took it and placed it in his backpack since I have been looking all over and I couldn't find it so I was thinking it might be there. I found his backpack in the garage and started looking for my brush. I didn't find my brush but I found the lube that I found in Chris messenger bag several weeks ago on which I already confronted him with it. After a few days of that confrontation I checked his bag again and I didn't find it, I presumed that he threw it away. Well, now I know he didn't. I cried when I saw it. I plan to talk to him about it. But not on my birthday weekend...after. And I want to settle this once in for all.

Its been a tiring few days

I know that I should have mentioned it but for this past weekend Chris and I have been in a tiff. It all started last Thursday when he answered me in a condescending and aggressive manner of a simple question. I really cannot figure out what sets him off like that. There has been occasions when  I was able to just stand back and not react but that afternoon it just made me shut up, brood and percolate. Then it didn't get better Sunday and Monday, it even got worse. So we weren't talking to each other well. Yesterday it was better, then this morning before he left for work he was a bit more relaxed and lingering when saying good-bye. I felt miserable the whole time. I feel stuck. I feel I want to go and escape somewhere, not just mentally but really physically. These are the times when the fact that marriage is not a guarantee comes to me forcefully. I imagine myself separated from him when my kids are already adults. And during these times when the issue about his friendships with Shirley and Tillie Ann bothers me more like pebbles in my shoes. I do pray to God that , even though it will hurt like the dickens, I want to know the truth. And I always add that when that happens that God will strengthen me and help me stand up and more forward. Want superpower? A thick skin from the verbal assault from my husband.

superpowers anyone?

So what superpower should I want to have? Strength? So that I can do a lot of chores in the house, then do gardening in the front yard and backyard, and clean the floors, and clean and organize the garage while taking care of the needs of my kids without breaking a sweat?*** How about lightning speed? So I can do all that I mentioned and have a lot of time to read, and bond with my kids , and review for my certification, and blog, and talk with God, and read again...? Mmmmm...Yup. I think I want those - super strength and super speed. Where could I get those? And from whom? God? Yes, most probably from Him. But I don't think He'll grant me any superpower. Or else there won't be any martyrs because they would have escaped their painful demise. So, I guess I will just have to rely on 5hour Energy drinks.

Being married to Chris #1

I love my husband. He is a decent fellow, who has a great work ethic, and very devoted to his children. He is fierce and will die for his kids. He has a penchant for watching dance shows and singing shows. He loves movies and likes to read books. I am lucky to have him as my husband. BUT he can really be exasperating. I have made a decision that the suspicious feelings I have regarding his continued preferential friendship with Shirley and now with Tillie Ann are something I have to let go. It's still an ongoing struggle to let them not affect me, although its pretty hard, especially since his actions doesn't help my peace of mind. I always thought that a person who loves someone always strive to give his/her love one peace of mind, but I guess with him that is not part of loving or he probably thinks if you trust someone fully then you will have peace of mind. Because there is no reason to doubt them or be suspicious of their actions. But if a husband is more available telephonically for a "best" friend than for his wife, or that a husband starts re-establishing a "friendship" with his ex and asks a picture of her, well, even though I trust him not to cross the line and be grossly unfaithful, his little actions belie his verbal excuses. He used to be jealous of some of my friendships and possessive of our relationship. But not anymore. I don't know when it disappeared. I don't like an unnecessary jealousy especially if there is no actions that support such feeling. But he almost act like he does't care. That's ok, that's my life.***Another exasperating thing he does is the way he talks with me half the time. There are really two ways he talks to me that gets to me. First, he answers me in a sarcastic, another question for a question, condescending way. It riles me up and it replaces anything positive in the conversation to all negative. He has the talent in making me loss my cheerfulness. I believe that it gives him great pleasure to rile me up. The second, is his way of condescendingly answering a question with unbridled irritation bordering on anger. THAT shuts me up, and I just brood and percolate in silent anger.***Ahhhhh...I really don't know what to do. I feel that if he had showed me this side of him before I fell in love with him, it would have just lasted  a few dates. I don't regret marrying him now because I have my beautiful sons. But I cannot guarantee I will feel the same way after a few years. Because for me this is a way of taking me for granted. And I am only human, I am the most imperfect person in the world and I don't think my patience can stretch a lifetime with this almost constant onslaught of negativity and condescension. Re-reading what I have written here makes me sound so melodramatic, and it makes one think that Chris is verbally pounding me with a sledgehammer but its really only a chisel. But a chisel can destroy a massive, strong dam if one taps on it persistently.***Another thing that confounds me about Chris is the fact that he lied to me. When we were still getting to know each other he said of himself that he "doesn't sweat the small stuff". YEAH RIGHT!! HE DOES!! Any change of plans or change in my opinions makes him go crazy. AHHHHH!! If this was a start of a relationship, I would have been out of here. But I can't. I am bound by my love for Chris and our children. But I have learned from a book once, when the hurt of staying supersedes the hurt of leaving then one leaves.

Mars VS Venus

I always believe that man compliments woman. Because they are made that way by God. But because of Adam and Eve, now being complimentary to each other became really complicated. I am no Stepford wife so I don't expect Chris to be perfect. But I guess its too good to be true to have Chris as romantic as he was when we were dating. He has given me awesome gifts for my birthdays or holidays. But I guess sometimes I just want also to have him make an effort to prepare or organize a birthday get-together for me. Since we have been married its just been me doing the organizing. Last year for my 40th birthday, we went to our time share in Vegas for the whole week. Mama Blanca and Lita were there. I had to find the restaurant to go have my birthday dinner with my good friends Gladys, Eric and their son Ethan. And then I didn't have a birthday cake, so I bought an ice cream cake with candles for me to blow. Now, my birthday is coming up again and I am paying for our stay in Disneyland and I will just have to buy my own cake. Suckididoodle!

Being a mom

I think for me being a mom is being in constant worry for the worst thing that could happen to my sons. I already have this bad imagination due to watching too much TV or movies. So I have this frequent flashes of bad scenarios that could happen to my kids. The good thing is that I also frequently have to pray to God for the safety of my sons.***Yesterday my mom called me from work. I saw the phone ID on the LCD of my work phone and went straight to the desk phone. I was panicking. I finally talked to her and she said that everything is ok except that Noah had an accident, he had punctured the base of his right thumb with my dad's old fishing hook. My dad and mom got panicky, but the great thing was we had great neighbors that helped my dad drive to the nearest hospital. So the doctor anesthetized the area and as fishing hooks are darn hard to pull out, he had to push the hook further out and then cut the end to be able to pull it out. I could just imagine my Noah crying like there was no tomorrow. I thank God that everything went ok so far. It could have been worse. Today I had to see his pediatrician to check his wound out. He has developed cellulitis and was prescribed an antibiotic, and he had additional tetanus shot and his other remaining vaccines. Right now I am just waiting to pick up Chris from the train station so we could go to Camp Pendelton to get the prescription filled. Ahhhhh... unfortunately I have realized that I will have to be in this constant state of vigilance for the safety of my sons and the feeling that there will be more situations like this as they grow up. It sucks but that's life as mom.

a hot day for deep thoughts

Its been awhile since last I wrote here. Its a hot day today, even with our portable AC turned on since 10am. The weeds are growing free in the front yard and backyard. Unfortunately I'm no Mrs. Cleaver or even at least my mother-in-law. So on they grow. I feel that I don't accomplish anything when I am at home. House is never as clean, laundry is never finished. Its often now that I let Chris buy dinner for us. The fact of my less productivity and the unaccomplished feeling is making me less driven to follow through on the things I need to do at home. I am not normally  a very driven person, but now I am even less driven. I just want to escape with the books I am reading in my NookColor. Shamefully I am escaping to romance books, not even books that are thought-provoking or books that stimulate my brain cells. I feel more accomplished at work than at home. I feel I need a life coach. But one is probably expensive.***The good question is why am I not driven or at least a self-motivated person? I sometimes feel that along the way I didn't want to work hard anymore. I mean, working as a nurse is hard. But other than that I just want to go with the flow in myself. I don't want to challenge myself anymore. At times I want to at least challenge myself creatively with my photography but I only feel down when I find myself too tired or too lazy to go shoot some photos. I think I should think about this. I think I should change my attitude. I think I should start being a better version of myself. I know I am getting on to be 41 years old, but I believe its never too late to BE BETTER.***Now I know what I'm going to do, I'm going to germinate this idea of BE BETTER challenge. A challenge I give myself. I think my mantra will be BE BETTER - this minute, this hour, this day. The nagging thought in my head is that - I've been here before, been here done that, I always start and never finish! WELL SO WHAT! Being better is a lifetime of doing! SO YOU CAN SHOVE THAT PESSIMISTIC SELF TO WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHINE!

updates

I have checked off one item in my needs-list. Last Memorial Day we went to Carlsbad Honda and leased an Odyssey LX. I had asked my parents to pray for us that we will be able to get a new car to fit all of us. And I have prayed as well, especially for us to have a salesperson who will understand our needs and get us a deal that will help us. And we did. God answered our prayers. We got Nick from Honda and he was the one who suggested to lease-to-own. He bought our Murano off our hands. So now we are in a minivan. Chris is happy, he feels that we are not crammed anymore especially the kids. I feel happy too and more comfortable driving it because its not too high. Its lower that our former Murano and higher than my Corolla.***We had a good Memorial Day weekend. Although we didn't do anything spectacular but we went to Kidsville that Sunday, then we went to the Carlsbad Outlet Monday the time we got the minivan. Then Tuesday Chris had put himself on a holiday, so we had another day with him, which was great. It was a good weekend.***My friend Mira's situation is not getting better. She is in a point now where she just want to accept anything to have her family back but her husband Dexter just doesn't want them anymore. I shed a few tears with her when she said "he doesn't even care for his kids anymore...he is not the husband I married"...She said that she is looking for a lawyer, I told her that's a good idea because the lawyer will look after her needs much more objectively while she deals with her emotional upheaval and take care of the kids at the same time. I encouraged her that the CA law is in her side and she should take advantage of it.***I have accepted that marriage is fragile. It is not a matter of lack of trust or even insecurity to be vigilant and protective of the integrity of one's marriage. Anyone can fall and do something really stupid. So, as I am vigilant I am also not forgetting that I have hobbies and things I want to do. Last Saturday I attended 2 photo workshops by Christian Michaels at Digital Photo Academy at North Park District in San Diego. I attended first a 2-hr class in Composition, then a 4-hr class on Intermediate level - a beginners level on DSLR. I had a great time and I felt my itchy fingers loving the shutter again and my photographic eyes are waking up again. So I have resolved that I make an effort to continue doing my hobbies, to not lose myself in a marriage that is fragile. I do sound very pessimistic though about marriage but really I'm not, I'm just watchful and accepting now. I know only God can spare a marriage from dissolution but He cannot force feelings into someone either. ***Chris is still communicating with Tillie. He told me to ask him anything about it and he will tell me, their conversation and what-not. I don't agree with their renewed friendship but there is nothing I can do about it. He said that nothing is going but just talking to her about family and marriage. I will have to trust my husband about this. But my resolve is strengthening about not losing myself in my marriage. And this includes not feeling guilty about not having a clean house, not being a good cook, being tired and going to sleep ahead of Chris and being my weird self sometimes.

What happened May 21st

So, on May 21st I attended our annual stroke conference Brain Attack! organized by UCLA. My friends at work and I usually go if not for the speakers who are brilliant but for the food. Usually it is held in Beverly Hills Hotel. My friends Rolando,Mira and Jenette were going so I knew it would be fun to go. The day before Rolando and I were already setting up the strategy for carpooling to the hotel. Our usual take was to meet in UCLA and then carpool to the hotel. I thought everything was ok to invite another co-worker to join the carpool but as the planning proceeded it was decided that we had to ditch our c-worker because Mira wanted to tell us something important and private and presonal to us. I became nervous when I heard that from Rolando, my first thought was something happened in Mira's marriage but after some thoughts I decided it was probably more positive than that.***Then saturday came and I met the three outside Med Plaza parking. I was nervous to hear what Mira was up to, but it was only when we were sitted in our table where we were going to listen to doctors drone out their expertise and accomplishments, and was eating our breakfast that she just blurted it out to me - "I'm gonna have a divorce - he cheated on me". Those few words came down on me like a ceiling caving in. I was swept with sadness for her situation and a creeping fear slowly came inside me as I listened to what have been happening in her married lfe for the last few months. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt ashamed that her husband Dexter is Cebuano like me. I became fearful of my own marriage by the fact of what happened the past Wednesday night.***To off set Mira's sad situation we (Rolando,Jenette,Mira and I) were texting like crazy for the first 2 hours of the conference. We texted crazy observations and useless info and topics. At one point I text telling them that kidding aside I am really sad about this anticipated dissolution of marriage and my fears about the fragility of marriage. Rolando and Jenette both text back with encouragement and practical thoughts. Even Mira text me that there is always hope. And with that I text that I will hold on to hope, hope on God that He will preserve my marriage.***Jenette,Mira and I didn't finish the whole conference as usual. Rolando wanted to stay. So we girls went to L.A. downtown by the Staples Center which they call L.A.Live and watched the movie Bridesmaids which was awesomely hilarious and went to dinner at Katsuya. We let Mira vent her feelings and her situation. For me it got to be very depressing. But who am I to complain when Mira's situation was worse than listening to her talk. So we let it her talk until we went our separate ways.

If there is smoke should there always be fire?

Every wednesday our routine is that I drive with my kids to my parents house which is 1 1/2 hrs away, because by thurs to saturday I will be going to work in UCLA. It cuts down my commute as well as have my parents take care of my kids while I am at work and my husband is at his work in San Diego. For me this is my cross, a heavy cross. I can't wait for the day that we can save enough money and get rid of my husband's house and move to Orange county. My parents can live with us, and I can go home everytime after work.
***Anyway, last week we had our usual routine, my husband drove up with us. By the way, since I have to drive to work, going to my parents' is a pain, not only do I need to pack for the kids enough clothes but we have to drive 2 cars. So, as I said, anyway, we were in my parents house and my husband was taking care of the kids, I went to bring my husband's stuff from his car. He had told me that he lost his Flipvideo so I was rummaging through his stuff jsut in case I might see it. When I opened his messenger work bag what I saw was an almost finished KY jelly! Thoughts came like a tornado. I got his stuff and sought him out. But he wasn't in the bedroom. I checked his phone and found out that he has been communicating with his ex from high school Tillie from NY. When he came to the room with Nate. I asked him to swear in the lives of his kids to tell the truth. He chuckled because he thought I was being very mysterious and dramatic. Then I asked him. He didn't look flustered, he didn't look nervous. He just said he had it when he was single. He used to bring condoms and the jelly when he was single. Hmmph! Really??? But the question is who was he fucking when he was single at work???? So, then I asked him about his telecom with Tillie. What I read in the texts was that she has been unhappy with her 22+ marriage for a year now. But I also read texts she wrote where she was reminiscing about their past and how she still has all the momentoes he gave her long time ago. And I even read exchanges where they want to send pictures of each other!!!! What the hell is that!!! I would have understood it if this is plainly venting out and asking advice but this is reminiscing about the past that will never come again. She is still married and he is married now. I understand that she wants some kind of emotional high but that's not right, because he is married. And my husband is just being stupid! His answer was just to confirm that she is unhappy and that he did ask for her picture and she the same. He didn't even blink his eye, like there is nothing wrong with that!!!! AAAaaaaagghhhh! Then I reminded him of my bad feeling about his friendship with Shirley. Then he says there is nothing going on, he is just being a friend to Tillie, and he hasn't even talked to Shirley that often anymore. And all of this is just on me! I guess it is.***I know that my husband is not screwing anyone, or he would relegate himself to being like his dad whom he hates for leaving his mom and the rest of the family for another woman. But he seemed to have no instinct with regards to actions that are inappropriate for a married man even though it may be innocent. He doesn't know how to put himself in someone else's shoes and see how he would feel if I do the same things he does. I need to be proactive with my marriage, and at the same time find the time to be myself. I think being too suspicious about my husband and his friendships doesn't help me at all. But for sure I will be firm about him quitting this communication with Tillie, Tillie can find another friend to vent. I need to be vigilant in maintaining the integrity of my marriage. And I will find a way to talk with Shirley , she is Nico's godmother after all, and tell her how I feel.

Got superpowers?

Like any wife and mother of  more than 1.5 kids, I definitely need superpowers to fulfill the multiple roles and responsibilities I have without resorting to hair-pulling or booze. But unfortunately, for some reason God is really very confident on the woman that she can pull off all these roles without being homicidical. And I would agree He is right. Although on my part I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I sometimes feel surprised that I remember to feed my kids. But somehow I do.
I have 3 little kids, which I got one after the other. Nico is 2years and 6months, Noah is 1 year old and 3 months and Nathan is 3 going on 4months. I love my kids. I cannot imagine my life without them. When Noah was 3 months old, I found out that I was pregnant again I cried. I never thought that getting pregnant would make me cry. But for the first time in my life I felt this crushing weight of responsibility and the feeling of near to absolute vulnerability. I felt that God has not answered my prayer that I only need 2 kids, and felt the fear of what will happen to my kids if something happens to me or my husband. We are not a young couple. I am 40 years old now, and he is 47 years old. I want the best for my kids, like any other parent, but I felt that we don't have enough of what we need. We need a new house, we need a new car, a minivan to fit us all and some.
Right now we are all ok. I thank God for giving us what we need now. I just almost all the time wish I have superpowers to do all I need to do for my kids, for my husband, for myself and still have enough energy to go to work. I need to be superfast to do cleaning and laundry in an hour, and the super-cooking-skills to feed my kids and husband. I need super-strength to play with 3 kids, and still able to give them showers before my husband comes home from work (this routine happens Mons-Weds on my days off). Ahhh superpowers! Maybe I should pray a novena for them.

Here I go again....

This would be the umpteenth time that I have started journaling again, the words to spot really is "have started". Because unfortunately I am good at starting but not so good at finishing. I have started with nice looking journaling books, went through moleskines but never finished 1 journal. So now I am starting a blog! Ok, I don't want to be pessimistic but I have a feeling that I can continue this bit of self-expression on my part and enjoy it and keep at it. I know that even with journaling I need a little bit of superpower to be consistent with chronicling my ordinary adventures but unfortunately I don't have it, so I hope just to use mere mortal persistence and mere mortal enthusiasm that will carry me through.